What to do if your dinner is alive when you buy it:
1. Catch chicken (warning: requires agility, and sometimes leaps and dives)
2. Until dinner time, store in a safe/elevated location where your friend’s dog can’t reach it
3. Hold down wings and legs with your feet
4. Chop off head
5. Pour boiling water on body to loosen the feathers; de-feather
6. Slice off the little tail part that no one eats but no one knows why
7. Hack open breast bone to reveal entrails
8. Examine heart and lungs and any other organ you happen to find intriguing
9. Dig hands in and remove guts (picture available upon request)
10. Put in a pot over a roaring fire with other stuff that you happen to have in your house, like potatoes and tomatoes and chewy bits of stale candy canes
11. Feed it to friends first in case you accidentally poisoned it
Congratulations! You have prepared a chicken.
(don't try this at home) (but if you do, take pictures)
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