Ask Estefania – an Advice Column for American Females Living and Working in Rural Mozambique

Dear Estefania,

I exercise every day, don’t snack between meals, rarely eat sweets, and still gained fifteen pounds. Sometimes people walk up to me and say, “wow, you have gotten so fat!” What should I do?

~Promising Paunch

Dear Promising Paunch,

If people tell you it looks good, just go with it.

~Estefania

Dear Estafania,

I thought I was making a friend, but it turns out they just wanted to ask for my groceries.

Moody Market-Goer

Dear Moody Market-Goer,

There are seven billion people in the world. Make another friend.

~Estefania

Dear Estefania,

Many people have proposed to me. How can I tell if it’s true love?

~Starry-Eyed

Dear Starry-Eyed,

By the number of minutes they have know you, and whether they use the words “American” or “white” in the proposal.

~Estefania

Dear Estefania,

It takes hours to hand-wash clothes, and by the time I’m finished, my back is aching and the skin on my fingers is scraped off.

~Knuckles Rubbed Raw

Dear Knuckles Rubbed Raw,

Stop complaining and suck it up. What do you think people did before washing machines?

~Estefania

Dear Estefania,

The toilet needs a lot of water to flush, and I have to carry all my water from the pump. What is it that I do do?

~Compressed Neck

Dear Compressed Neck,

Dig a pit latrine! Your thighs will get a workout from all the squatting, you can take moonlit strolls for fresh air and to see the stars if you have to pee in the middle of the night, and you can use the opportunity to overcome your disgust of cockroaches! And it will cut back the amount of water you have to carry by 50%.

~Estefania

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Thanks to all who submitted their problems, they were extremely interesting and problematic. Any time I need some tough love, I just complain to Estefania, and I get immediate results, in the form of realizing how silly I sound.